Valentine Gift Ideas, Conveniently Separated in His and Hers Categories

Gifts for Him

Subliminal Sex Message T-Shirts: Working closely with our certified clinical sexolgist and hypnotherapist, Candy Lowman, we have developed a line of t-shirts with images that will lure the hot chick of your dreams into your bed by suggesting subliminal messages. Imagine that! And you thought snagging a hottie was a labor intensive and embarrasing task punctuaed with rejection. Well, no more! All you have to do is put on the shirt, make sure it's visible to all, and let nature, or shall we say the magic of these shirts, take its course.

Moose-Scented Cologne: Bring out her wild animal side with this irresistable fragrance from the north woods of Maine. She'll swoon to your awesome manly power, yield to your domineering kiss. You'll have her right where you want her.

Crotch Enhancer: Tired of women who wear padded bras and the unfair advantage they gain? Time for you to gain your own advantage with our crotch-padded briefs (or boxers). Nine out of ten ladies surveyed love a well-endowed man. Hang with the best of them.

Valentine's Day in a Can: It's all here, all the things he loves in one teeny can. Flavored oils and lotions, skimpy negligee for you, a three-pack of condoms, and some dirty magazines for when you aren't around. Want him to appreciate it more? Include a six-pack of his favorite beer, ice cold.

Popcorn Bowl with Pocket for Remote: Yes, he can have it all. His snacks for the game, the remote control for changing channel during those annoying thirty-second commercial breaks, and the comfort of having it all in one form-fitting container. Works for sitting or laying down, doesn't spill if he nods off. The deluxe model has a cup holder just right for a can of beer.

A Day of Privacy: Yes, ladies, as much as you would love to spend the day at a spa, he would love to spend the day lounging around the house in his underwear without you nagging him to put some clothes on and do something more productive than watch television.


Gifts for Her

Life-Size Model of Your Penis Paperweight: Men, despite they way they seem to look away, women genuinely love to see a nice penis. Make sure the one she remembers is yours. Buy our do-it-yourself penis mold kit. Comes with all the parts you need, and a variety of skin-toned paints to customize it. She'll be so happy, she'll be speechless.

Guide to Proper Housekeeping: The problem with today's modern woman is that she seeks equality without realizing that men are inept at housekeeping. That's why you should buy a guide to housekeeping for the woman you love. She'll be happy to know what she should be doing, and you'll be happy she stops nagging.

Take-Out Fast-Food Dinner: She'll be so happy she doesn't have to cook for you for Valentine's Day that she'll devour the food and then drag you to bed. Nothing says "I love you" like dinner in a bag. Make it extra special and dine by candlelight. It'll put her in the mood for dessert--you! Especially when she doesn't have to do dishes!

Fresh Flower Bouquet: Don't spend money, but spend of your time. Pick her a unique bouquet amassed from the local park. Ragweed, dandelion, clover, goldenrod, and natural greens artistically assembled and tied with an old shoe lace (from your favorite sneakers that you had to donate to charity because of the aroma, but she'll know how special that shoelace is). Touch her like she's never been touched before with a gift she won't soon forget.

Fat Free Chocolates: To help her get back that figure she had when you first started dating her. Show her how much you care by giving her a small assortment of diet candies along with some exercise equipment to help her be the woman she once was.

A Day at the Spa (See "A Day of Privacy" on Men's List): She leaves you alone for a whole day. Enough said.


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