The Hopeless Romantic Is Not Dead

We've Just Had Him Chained Up For A While

Follow the suggestions below for a fool-proof romantic evening.

* Take Your Girlfriend Drinking With The Guys: It's a great way to let her meet your friends and show her off to the guys. The more fondling they do, the more they approve, and the more she'll want to spend some time getting to know you better.

* Take Your Beloved To See You Bowl: Have her keep score for you as you roll the ball down the aisles. She will cheer and laugh and be so proud of you that it's sure to lead to many more romantic evenings.

* Bring Your Beloved To Your Next Poker Game: Have her empty the ashtrays and bring you and your buddies fresh beer. She can walk your dog so nosy Nick doesn't peek at your cards again. She can loan you some cash when you've lost everything but the shirt off your back. Women love feeling their men are helpless; help them feel that joy.

* Clean the Garage Together: This has so many benefits, we can't list them all. First, and most obviously, the garage gets cleaned. Next, you spend quality time in a romantic setting. And don't forget that while she helps you clean, you can show her which tools are which AND how to use them. We can't promise she'll remember, but it's a start.

* Show Up At Her Door Naked: Wear only a top hat and have flowers in your hand. Do this at the time of day when all her neighbors are coming home from work. If she doesn't answer right away, keep ringing. She's just inside getting herself ready for you.

* Take Her To A Fast Food Restaurant And Sit With Her In A Booth: People forget the simple romance of fluorescent lighting and plastic trays, of vinyl booths and tables bolted to the floor, the joys of unwrapping a sandwich together, of sharing fries and dipping them in chocolate shake, the pleasure of scraping the garbage off the tray into a trash bin. Take her now before your craving is too great. She'll thank you for it.

* Bring Her To Your Favorite Strip Club: Watch the delight in her face as you pay for her to have her own private lap dance. Save this date for a very, very special night. She'll reward you afterwards, and over and over again for years to come because she'll learn your favorite moves.

* Take Her To A Cock Fight And Win Her Some Money: Men often forget how much women love wild animals. The thrill of unbridled animal passion, the blood, the threat of police action, it all makes for the kind of night that leads to romance of the wildest kind. Not for the feint of heart.

* Take Her To A Dream Weekend At A Hunting Cabin In The Woods: You kill it, she'll grill it over the roaring fireplace (no stove). And if she plays her cards right and cleans the kill well, she could get herself a nice fur coat out of the deal. Fur looks luxurious, and nothing is more elegant for her to wear to a night at the opera than a deer fur coat.

* Take Her To An Art Museum: Only look at pictures of naked woman. Take this opportunity to show her ways and places she can improve herself. Let her see true beauty, and give her a goal to strive for.

* A Date To The Nearest Hardware SuperStore: Take your girl shopping where she can help you pick all your favorite tools and browse for the best lawn mower. Keep her out of the home improvement sections or she might get ideas.

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